Use The Exit, Luke

When thinking about Star Wars, I am reminded of Stanley Kubrick's theme of fatalism in Dr. Strangelove. Well, not really. I am still trying to Stop Worrying And Learn To Love The Geek. But this Star Wars business... it's just stupid. Stupid and pathetic. Stupid and pathetic and, above all, pretty sad. Even worse, the age old knowledge of nerd asexuality - that a geek has about the same chances of netting a woman as Charlie Sheen lobbying against prostitution - is shot to hell, because there are female Star Wars fans too. They are all breeding. They are dressing their kids in Darth Vader costumes and dressing up their baby carriages as AT-ATs (the big robot thing that looks like a lumbering dog).

Now, before all the fans get huffy, spitting out their rice crispies and reaching for their faux-lightsabers (a flashlight glued to a plastic neon-coloured tube, no doubt), I am not against Star Wars itself. Star Wars was cool. Darth Vader was wicked. Lightsabers truly are awesome (even though I cannot figure out why, if you have something that can cut through titanium, Jedis didn't simply carve their way through every Imperial post). The Force sounds like a kick-ass ability to have, especially when combined with all the neat Sith powers. If I could crush a tin can from across the room, I'd use it all the time as a party ice-breaker, inevitably leading to getting laid.
But this whole fan business... not too recently I made it two-thirds through Fanboys, a film about severely geeky fans traveling to steal the pre-release print of The Phantom Menace. Eventually I had to quit, because I became afraid that other might confuse me with the losers on screen (especially when I was able, along with a prime character, to name the homeworld of the Wookies - which by some lack of irony isn't called Wookee or The Big Wook). See, I'm a geek too. I love my pop culture, pointless modern fairy tales and Asian movies that I have to hide from the general public. The difference is that I wasn't some sad case who grew up in the Seventies. Entering this world just before the Eighties kicked off, I didn't have to suffer the doldrums of a decade that had to invent the blockbuster (Jaws). Seventies movies were mainly artsy fartsy stuff that you dig in to learn about Robert De Niro's career or exploitation nasties that laid the groundwork for horror films and cheesy direct-to-dvd fodder ever since (in other words, the Seventies were pretty awesome, but for reasons other than mainstream fan worship). Even Steven Spielberg and George Lucas made some intense, potentially deep stuff like Duel and American Graffiti. Then, just as a future of Reagan, Thatcher and fashionable cocaine parties peered over the horizon, Hollywood figured it out: Jaws, Alien and Star Wars exchanged deeper meaning for awesomeness (and cash) - and the Eighties would be eternally grateful. Blockbuster pop-culture cinema was born.
But enough is enough. Star Wars is cool, yeah, but what is with all this cult business? Princess Lea looks as hot in her bikini costume as Barbarella did in what little she wore. Still hot, but definitely leaning towards the vintage side. Get over it - she's older than your mom (okay, if you are a true devotee from the 70s, she's as old as you). Jedis are bad-ass, but in the Eighties we upped the ante with ninjas, over-the-top cops and Rambo. I bet the A-Team can clock Luke and his mates any day, especially when backed by Michael Knight and Airwolf. McGuyver can blow up the Deathstar all on his own (but he wouldn't, because McGuyver was actually a pacifist). Marty McFly could just go back in time and. slap the guy drawing up the Deathstar blueprints, Indiana Jones would have scoffed at the snakeless pit in Jaba's fortress and Robocop - shit, I would like to see the Emperor stop Detroit's finest. You're going to need more than lightning, old fellow.
And that's just the Eighties. The Nineties, Naughties and now the looming Tens... Star Wars is old hat. True, it was an awesome trilogy and it redefined cinema. But, honestly, can we stop with all the stupid fan stuff polluting the Internet? I'd like to be a geek again, but not at risk of becoming a cliche. I don't own anything Star Wars related, except for The Force Unleashed game - and that's because I like to tear virtual armies a new one. And, no, I don't care that George Lucas milks his creation faster than the last cow in a cow-milking competition. I don't think he cares, either. It's not public property or some kind of property that requires religious zeal. It's a pretty cool fantasy trilogy and last I check, George still has the car keys. If only people put the same passion into stopping the corruption of, say, fish, we'd have far fewer problems int eh world. And I can safely peruse a geek blog without being assaulted by some idiot's Boba Fett Tea Cozy.