Facebook Games... The Horror, The Horror

Oh, Adventure World, we’ve had some fun times. You hit so many marks on my perfect ten for games. You have style, you are steps ahead of the rest and you seem to engage me every time I need it. But as with every relationship you expect something in return. A lot, actually. And you tend to start nagging about it too..

Goats, Switches, Hitting Rocks...
What's Not To Like?

Now these are not attractive qualities in a partner. But it is how a relationship functions. Whether we say it outright or drop hints, everyone expects something in return. Maybe it’s a bit of regular cuddling. Perhaps it’s to do something exciting every now and then. In return my sporadic rants about how awfully Lost ended are tolerated. Adventure World, you are no different - you expect certain things from me. Dirty, terrible things that I was almost tempted to do. See, you are not ugly, unsexy or mind-numbingly dull like your peers. You are not Farmville. We get along quite well and I enjoy our times spent together. I never sit and wonder: “What the hell am I doing here?!”

But your bloodline is obvious, because you nag so much. Nag to invite friends. Nag to spend money. Nag to buy this shiny new thing you periodically wave in my face. Yes, I know I need a new machete. Those bushes in the later levels are getting tough. But do you know how long it took me to buy the last one? I’m still saving. Yet, no, you go on nagging. And I know why, Adventure World - it’s because you are a gold digger.

If you can’t have my friends for your scheme, you’ll settle on my cash. A micro-transaction here, a small fee there, and my life can be so much easier. I can go further and we can spend more time together doing new things. But I know this trick. I know that after the next adventure there will only be another one. And another. And another. No end in sight. Don’t get me wrong: I love our time together, but if this is going to be forever-ever, we’ll need to stimulate each other a bit more.

Stop looking so smug, Dex.
Your game sucks.

Alas, I know what stimulates you. Friends or hard cash. And in the mean time I am reduced to obsessing about you, checking in every now and then, trying to take our relationship further (without spending something or spamming my Facebook contacts). It’s just not working. Instead I find myself on a crack carousel - going round and round after a fix I’ll never get. I must admit, I cheated on you. I visited the Sims Social and Gardens of Time. They were fun, but I quickly recognised the same pattern. They just want my money and/or friends.

Then I figured it out. This is not a healthy relationship. This is abusive. I am not your gaming companion, I am your client and you are just a remorseless pusher. It’s a real pity - I don’t want to break up. But I know there are better things out there which also only demand my attention and appreciation. My fling with Cactus McCoy 2 was far more satisfying.

So fuck you, Adventure World. Fuck you and your gift-peddling sisters. Please tell them to stop spamming me. I only tried them once and they have turned into stalker harpies. I’d avoid them completely, but I don’t know how to untangle them from my Facebook account. Maybe they’ll just go away if I ignore them. Though I suppose now that we are over, you’ll start spamming me as well. Well, Zygna probably needs a new pair of shoes...